I know what I must do, but it is the hardest thing for me to do.

I must forgive myself.  I must forgive myself for overdosing on heroin, paralyzing myself, causing the chronic pain I have had to live with for the past 12 years.  I must stop blaming myself for all the substance abuse, for the depression, for the fucked-upness of my life.

Honestly?  I don't know how to do it.  I hate myself.  I hate myself for all the damage I have caused, to me and to other people.  I feel I have been a constant source of anguish and hurt for all around me, and for myself.

I know the only way to end it is to forgive myself, to stop the hatred.  If I can forgive myself, then I won't feel prompted (at all times) to cause more damage.  I won't see-saw between self-righteous indignation and constant despair.

I have to learn to see the good in me.  I have to learn to value what I am and what I have.

But I don't know how.