Dear Debbie and Melissa,

Jasmine tells me that you’ve been concerned for me, and I just wanted to write and tell you that I’m now out of the hospital and, as best I can tell, doing well.  Thank you for your thoughts and prayers; I’m not one to believe in supernatural phenomena, but I can decisively say that it has been wonderful to know that others are giving me some thought.

            As best I can tell, I have a very rare, very strange illness.  For periods of time I will act oddly, and subsequently I will ‘come to,’ in a sense, without any memory of the odd actions, the strange things I say and do.

            The picture is complicated by the fact that I am an alcoholic and a drug addict.  Very often, in these black-out moments, I will drink or use some kind of drug.  This happened regularly – I think – which is why this strange dissociation was not discovered earlier.  We all assumed I was simply blacking out from the booze or the drugs.

            I am told there is no solid treatment for my condition.  I was put on a mild dose of an anti-psychotic drug, and told to go into intensive therapy.  The drug seems to make my anxiety a great deal worse; and neither appears to be stopping this phenomenon.

            I am at a loss as to what to do.  I feel deeply ashamed and embarrassed, especially by the degree to which this illness forces me to impinge upon other people’s good will.  I am close to finishing law school, but now deeply concerned that I should not practice law, as my illness may gravely affect other people’s rights.  After an unpleasant but blessedly brief divorce, I have a new girlfriend whom I care about deeply.  Yet I am sorely worried about all that I put her through because of this illness.

            My faith is worn thin.  What was once a proud and strong edifice now seems a slight, papery wall.  I find it difficult to believe in a loving God, try as I might.  I know it is self-centered and selfish to wish God’s blessing upon myself, but I struggle to understand His will for me or how I might use this disease so as to demonstrate His kindness and generosity to others.

            In short, I feel as if upon the edge of a precipice.  Below me is madness, chaos, the Biblical waters God (and later, Jesus) calmed.  I wait for Him to blow across the surface of the waters, wait for the infinite ocean of light and love but only seeing darkness and destitution.  I cannot, do not believe He intends this.  I fought for faith after my paralysis; I would do so here, as well, if I knew where to begin.

            Thank you for remaining examples of what it truly means to be Christian.  You and your families remain in my thoughts and prayers.

                                                                                    Chris