12 years ago this Saturday, I overdosed on heroin, permanently paralyzing myself and causing the chronic physical pain that has been a feature (if not the feature) of my every waking moment since.

I am the prodigal son.  I left my home to pursue selfish, self-centered things.  My fortunes ruined, I am just now returning to that home, to beg the father within me (that of God in me) for forgiveness.

I know that he is described as All-Forgiving, but I hesitate to bring this to him.  I am so deeply ashamed of what I have done, and I wish - in a way - for punishment.  I wish for justice.  I wish for the sick, self-centered fuck who maimed me to get just punishment.  I am angry.  I want retribution.

That anger keeps me from my forgiving father.  That anger clouds my heart, distorts my judgment.  But I love it so.  I love it because the cause is so just, because the perp who did this to me is so thoroughly rotten to the core.  I want this done to him.  I want him to suffer as I have.

I want to suffer.

What I don't see in this is the way that the anger is hurting others.  I am angry, so I punish myself, and then I seek to lose myself again and again in alcohol and drugs.  I am furious with myself, I push for more pain, and then I beg this torturer to stop through bribes of hedonism.

This is hurting others.  This is hurting my girlfriend, my parents, my friends... this is hurting my forgiving father within.  This pattern cannot stand, cannot last.

I must forgive myself for what I have done.  I must do the impossible, and reconcile my angry firebrand self with my prodigal son.  My angry self must become the prodigal son's father.  My angry self must learn to forgive this idiot son who has done so much damage.

I must start by learning to accept the forgiveness of others.  I must seek to make amends for my actions, and with luck I will be forgiven by at least some of the people I have harmed.  I must watch them, study them, learn how they do this thing called forgiving.  And perhaps then I will learn how to forgive myself..